When It All Falls Down

As I’m writing this, Kanye’s song “All Falls Down” is playing in my head. I debated for a while about sharing something so personal, but when I started my blog again, I knew that I wanted to share my journey, where it has taken me and how I’ve grown from the things I have had to face. Plus, my life is my testimony and what I share may be a blessing to someone else.

Marriage to me has always been something sacred, never to be taken lightly especially standing before God. Marriage is beautiful and something to be shared between 2 people that truly love and are committed to each other.  My parents have been married almost 45 years and I have seen them go through ups and downs, but with God as the center, their love is still strong.  So I knew whenever I got married that there would be times when those vows:  for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health would be tested.

In 2012 I got married to my son’s father, after dating/being engaged off and on for about 9 1/2 years, we decided to go ahead and take the leap.  I can remember that day feeling happy but extremely nervous and anxious because that day had been a long time coming.  There were many times I honestly didn’t think we would even get there, but we finally did.  Our relationship previous to getting married was a rocky one, and there were times even after we got engaged that I thought I was crazy for even still dealing with it.  There was no abuse involved, but we had issues, however, with the promise of things being better, we took the leap.

Fast forward to 2013/2014, things were still rocky even after getting married, everything fell apart.  I won’t go into details about everything, but my marriages was tested in a way I would’ve never imagined it or my life could be tested.  I fought, I prayed and cried, I believed at one point God could fix it, but things didn’t work out how I thought they would.  I don’t blame God; I’m not bitter or angry.  With the situation that happened in 2013/2014, along with years of problems, in my heart I knew there was no way that it could work.  I hadn’t been really happy for many years, yes there were happy moments, but there was no overall happiness if that makes sense.  When I look back at it, with all that we had gone through before we got married, I knew we should’ve never gotten married in the first place.  As I stated we had been together for so long, and I wanted to keep our family together for our son.  Yes, I knew having children together was not a good reason to get married, but I did love him, and I wanted to try to make it work.

However, I knew deep in my heart that the love I should’ve had for him as a husband/mate/spouse wasn’t there. I’m not going to bash him because that’s not what this is about, we both contributed to some of the issues in our relationship over the years.  Which should’ve been a red flag, and I admit it was; I just wanted to believe we could overcome them. Then with no more fight in me, a broken heart/spirit, a spouse that didn’t want to change or go to counseling, and after much prayer and seeking God, in 2015 I filed for divorce. I’m a woman of God, so yes I know what the word says about God hating divorce, in the same token I also know what the word of God says about being unequally yoked.  Making the decision to end it wasn’t an easy one; it’s not something I did on a whim. I always said I never wanted to get married to get divorced and that is why I tried to fight.  Plus, I didn’t want to feel like a failure, I wanted that 40+ years of marriage like my parents, in the end, it wasn’t so.

My divorce became final last year (2016), 2016 was truly a year of transition for me, three major things happened in my life, my divorce being one of them.  After it was final, I felt free; I felt the burden of everything we had gone through being lifted.  No, I didn’t go out and party, because even though I filed, I still wasn’t happy that something I had wanted since I was younger had failed.  Then there was the enemy telling me God wasn’t pleased with me, I had failed God and that I was going to be punished for what I did.  For a few months afterwards, I believed that and the freedom I had turned to fear and even shame.  Plus, having an ex who wasn’t happy and was very vocal about it, didn’t help either.  Some days the guilt I felt had me crying for hours, I allowed the enemy to come in and take away peace I had and the battle to get it back was hard.  That is why I am grateful for one, knowing God as my Father and His love and compassion for me, knowing that no matter what mistakes I made or whatever the enemy tried to accuse me of, I knew He loved and forgave me, and that is all that mattered. Two, having a support system in my family has been invaluable.

No, I don’t believe divorce should be your only option when it comes to troubles in your marriage, and yes I believe God can turn any situation around. Marriage is ordained by God and He never wants it to end in divorce.  Nonetheless, I believe that we have to move in God’s will not ours, and know that what we desire is His will.  I have learned a lot from what I have gone through, one of the biggest things is truly hearing from and being obedient to God. Yeah I have always known that is important, but we all want what we want.  Even when we believe it is something good, and it could very well be because it’s not always about doing something so wrong, it still has to be God’s will. The next thing is, truly having faith in God; you never know how much you need Him until you are in the darkest moments of your life and you see no glimmer not even a pin size of light.  That’s when God reassures you that He still loves you, will never leave you and that you will overcome this.

Even though my marriage didn’t work out, I do still believe in love, marriage, and if it’s God’s will, I would love to get married again, this time to the right one.  If not, then I have to be okay with that, because He has blessed with so much in my son, my little fur diva Angel and just life in general.  I’m on a new journey and going through this has ultimately been a blessing in my life. I have forgiven my ex and moved on, if I hadn’t, I knew I couldn’t be free and God couldn’t move in my life.  Now, depending on the day, if you ask me would I go through it all again, I might say no, lol, but I believe this has pushed me towards my destiny, and as I said before, my story is my testimony.

SO I AM MOVING FORWARD!!